the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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