I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
