first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
