Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
