Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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