Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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