I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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