Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
