how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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