Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
