Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
