I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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