I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
either way he was missing a nipple.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
