if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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