New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
