My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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