I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have feelings that need drinking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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