I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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