bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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