You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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