She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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