Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
