I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
