Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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