um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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