A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
