Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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