you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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