This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
