Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
