where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching