38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day