I showed him my bush... on skype.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy