i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
