i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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