Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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