I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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