she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
