Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
