it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
