There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
