I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
