I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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