You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
