me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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