I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
