i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
