why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
