My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
