This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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