Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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