He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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