Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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