He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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