Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
