apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
