Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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