I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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